Here’s the honest answer, not the one that sells better: it doesn’t fully go away. Not at five years in, not at twenty. And I want you to hear that as relief, n
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Sarah Sloane, guest on this episode of Loving Without Boundaries
Here’s the honest answer, not the one that sells better: it doesn’t fully go away. Not at five years in, not at twenty. And I want you to hear that as relief, not a life sentence — because the goal was never to arrive at a place where you never feel jealous again. The goal is to build a relationship with the feeling so it stops running the show.
Sarah Sloane has been practicing consensual non-monogamy for over 20 years. Twenty. And when I asked her directly whether jealousy ever fully resolves, she didn’t hesitate: it never has, not once, in any of her relationships. She’s watched people say “I’ve never experienced jealousy” in rooms full of newer poly folks, and her honest reaction is some version of — I don’t know what planet you’re from, but good for you. For the rest of us, it shows up. Consistently. For decades. That’s not a sign something’s wrong with your practice. That’s just what it is to love people.
What actually changes over twenty years isn’t the presence of the feeling. It’s what you do the moment it shows up. Sarah’s told me the real shift for her was learning to treat jealousy as information rather than an alarm — asking herself what’s actually underneath it. Is this about feeling like my place in someone’s life is shrinking? Am I afraid I’m about to get less time now that there’s someone new? Once she can name the actual need underneath the feeling, she does something most people never learn how to do: she asks for exactly what she needs, in plain language, instead of letting the fear run silent and just hoping her partner reads her mind.
She gave me a specific example that I think about often. When she’s feeling uncertain, she’ll send her partner a text that says something like, “I need to know that I’m important to you, and I need to schedule a date.” That’s it. No accusation. No spiral. Just the actual ask. And her partner has learned that’s simply what it means when that message comes through — not a crisis, just a real, named need.
That’s the whole shift. Not eliminating the feeling. Learning to translate it into something specific enough to actually hand to another person.
You don’t have to wait twenty years to learn that skill. You just have to start practicing it.
Sarah Sloane (she/they) is a sexuality and relationships educator, writer, and coach with over 20 years of experience in kink and ethical non-monogamy, and 18 years of teaching across the country. Her work centers on creating what she calls “light bulb moments” for her clients, readers, and students — helping people find language for things they’ve felt but never had the words for.
In this episode, Sarah and Kitty talk about the difference between eliminating jealousy and learning to work with it, the specific language Sarah uses to ask for reassurance without spiraling, and what changes — and what doesn’t — after two decades of practicing non-monogamy.
Coming up on today’s show, Sarah Sloane is a sexuality and relationships educator, writer, and coach focusing on creating light bulb moments for her readers, clients, and students. With over 20 years of experience in kink and ethical non-monogamy, and 18 years of teaching all over the United States, her work helps other people find their authentic bliss.
Welcome to Loving Without Boundaries, where we hear inspiring stories, share actionable advice, and talk about the challenges and the joys of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. I’m your host, Kitty Chambliss. Coming up after the break, my conversation with Sarah Sloane.
Welcome back to Loving Without Boundaries, where I am super excited to be here with Sarah Sloane, whom I met at a workshop last year. So Sarah, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much. How’s everything going for you today?
Oh, it is great. I’d love it if you could share with our listeners a little about yourself in your own words.
Sure. I am a cis white woman, I identify as queer and kinky and consensually non-monogamous. I work kind of a gig economy — lots of different jobs — but the thing I love most is coaching and educating around sex, gender, and alternative relationship structures. I’ve been doing that for about 18 years, and I’ve been practicing consensual non-monogamy for 20. Right now, in terms of long-term partners, I have one partner I’ve been with for five years, and another I’ve been dating happily for about three. I generally describe myself as doing some combination of solo polyamory and relationship anarchy.
Was there a light bulb moment for you — a stage of life where you knew the traditional path wasn’t going to work?
I grew up in a very traditional, working-class family in Virginia. I realized in my early teens that I wasn’t straight — it was actually from reading a book at a group home I lived in for a while, which gave me language really early, and I’m eternally grateful for that. But then in my 20s, some of that old programming kicked back in, and the things that actually fulfilled me — an alternative spiritual path, more non-monogamy, kinkier fantasy — kind of went out the window the minute I met the man who’d become my husband. So I moved into that traditional path for a while.
It was like starting the engine and the engine runs, but you can hear it misfiring every so often. Everything looked fine, but internally I’d given up a lot of who I actually was to be in that marriage. Around the same time, I started realizing there were people actually doing “this kink thing” I’d fantasized about, and that there were people who were non-monogamous, openly, above board — and it had just never occurred to me that was an option. I separated from my ex-husband pretty quickly after that, got involved in the kink community, found people there who were also practicing consensual non-monogamy, and I’ve been happily identifying as both for the 20 years since.
Have jealousy or insecurity come up for you along the way? And if so, how did you learn to work through them?
I love it when people say “I’ve never experienced jealousy,” and I’m just like — I don’t know what planet you came from, but yay for you. There’s this myth that if you’re evolved enough, you don’t experience jealousy, and I think it’s absolute bullshit. I also carry a diagnosis that makes abandonment a real, physical trigger for me, so I’ve never had a stretch in any of my relationships where there wasn’t a moment I had to deal with insecurity or jealousy in some form.
What’s helped me is advice I got a long time ago — that when you’re experiencing jealousy, it’s usually a sign there’s a need not being met, or a fear that’s active. So jealousy itself isn’t really the thing to focus on — it’s what’s causing it. Is my place in my partner’s life feeling compromised? Am I afraid I won’t have as much time with them if they’re adding someone new? Part of my practice is being mindful about what’s actually going on for me, and being compassionate with myself and with other people about it. Jealousy isn’t something I want to use to try to control my partner — not overtly, and not covertly through things like passive aggression or bargaining.
For me, working through jealousy is figuring out what the fear or uncertainty actually is, and what to do with it. I’ll periodically send my partner a text — something like, “I need to know that I’m important to you, and I need to schedule a date.” They’ve learned that’s just the way I ask for it when I’m feeling uncertain. I try to give as much information as I can, in their words, and it becomes a healthy relationship behavior — being able to ask for what I need from a place of personal empowerment, instead of letting the feeling run the show.
That’s such great advice. I think for me, that’s also been part of my own path — letting go of the fear of asking for what I need. There’s such vulnerability in it.
I don’t think that’s unusual, though. I see so many people come to the table with this social expectation that we shouldn’t have needs — or shouldn’t have “sticky” needs, like needing attention or affection. Those of us raised to be women especially get told we can’t advocate directly for our needs. My own mother is the queen of passive-aggressive — she never learned to just say, “this is what I need from you.” So when people ask me where that instinct not to ask directly comes from, it’s like — we’ve all got this cultural baggage telling us our needs aren’t valuable, that other people’s needs come first. And for anyone raised outside the way culture defines “woman,” it’s a double whammy — you’re trying to be yourself, and you’re still getting the message that you’re doing it wrong.
(Sarah shares that she now speaks at a local university each year about alternative relationships and sexuality, and has noticed the incoming students’ questions get more sophisticated year over year — a sign, she says, that the wider cultural conversation around non-monogamy is genuinely shifting.)
Where would you say you are on your journey now, personally or professionally?
I’m in a really interesting place. I’ve kind of tripled down on liking living by myself — I never really lived alone for more than six months before moving to Chicago. It’s taught me a lot about being an independent person and intentionally building community, rather than assuming a live-in partner is what makes a life whole. Professionally, I’ve shifted more toward teaching general sexuality classes than poly-specific ones, partly because — as I always joke — it’s a little sexier to talk about anatomy than it is to talk about shared Google Calendars. I also do personal and professional coaching through my website, plottwistcoaching.com, working with a lot of folks in marginalized communities — kinky people, poly people, people who are gender-nonconforming or LGBTQ+, and people managing chronic illness.
I also used to manage a shop called the Pleasure Chest locally, and I’ve done adult industry work for a number of years, alongside all the teaching. These days I teach a lot of my in-person classes here in Chicago through a company called Chicago Dungeon Rentals, which gives me the chance to sit down with people one-on-one, or with a couple, and really dig into whatever topic they actually want to talk about — instead of a scripted class that might not be where they’re at.
What’s the best advice you’ve ever received, or the best thing you’ve done for yourself on this journey?
Learn to trust yourself.
And what tip would you give someone thinking about opening up an existing relationship, or dipping a toe into a different kind of relationship structure?
Check your motives really carefully. If you’re not 100% sure what you actually want out of it, you’re not going to make choices that are great for you.
Is there a book or resource you’d point people toward?
Opening Up. I think it’s a wonderful combination of checklists and real stories from people who’ve done consensual non-monogamy in a lot of different ways. It’s a great foundational book, and a great one to hand to a friend or family member who isn’t sure what you’re even talking about.
And for fun — is there a song that really moves you?
I have a whole “sex mix” — Portishead’s “Glory Box” is hands-down the one. But honestly, a lot of it is music from when I was a teenager — strong female vocalists, because they were my first experience of a version of womanhood that didn’t match what my mother was showing me. Hearing other women’s voices in a song, sharing their truth, makes me feel like I’m part of a solidarity of women — like I’m not alone.
Thank you, Sarah, so much for your time. I’ve loved this conversation, and I’m excited to get to know you more.
Thank you — I’ve had a fun time running my mouth, so yay.
Thanks for tuning in to today’s show. If you like what you heard, are struggling with some aspect of your relationships, and you’re interested in seeing if you’re a fit to work with me as your relationship coach, here’s what I invite you to do next. Head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — that’s lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — and book a call to speak with me. I’ll get on the phone with you for about 45 minutes, and we’ll get you crystal clear on three things. Number one, exactly what’s not working well in your relationships right now. Number two, ideally, where you’d like to be and what might be getting in the way. Number three, the exact strategy to get you there, helping to close that gap. Remember, creating healthy, open relationships does not typically happen by itself. Many often need expert guidance to make it happen. We’ve helped clients all over the world feel safe, happy, and secure in open relationships while not losing their mind or their cherished partners. To see if we can help you do the same, head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply. I’m Kitty Chambliss, and let’s talk soon.
You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this alone. I wrote the Jealousy Survival Guide for exactly this moment — the one where you’re wondering if this feeling is ever going to fully go away. It may not, and that’s okay. There’s a way to build a real relationship with it instead.
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KITTY CHAMBLISS, Master Coach (ICF-Certified), CPC
Relationship Coach | Speaker | Educator | Trauma-Informed
Author of “Jealousy Survival Guide: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship”
Original Post: Kitty
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