Dating Newbs and Not So Nonmonogamous Partners

I’m not an advocate for “brutal polyamory” the same way I’m not an advocate for “brutal” honesty. The turn of phrase alone bumps - it implies a kind of ruthlessness and finality. A black and white policy in a world of color. I believe in radical honesty, but there’s a tremendous amount of nuance in how we can offer the truth with kindness. Polyamory demands a similarly nuanced approach.

Assessing how to proceed (or not) in relationship with someone who’s new or pretty unfamiliar with nonmonogamy means weighing a lot of factors. How clear are each partner’s desires, and how wide are the gaps between where each stands? What power dynamics are at play? What other factors might you consider when you’re designing a relationship together?

If someone is firmly established in their polyamory - let’s say with several existing partners and a clearly defined polycule - and a new partner comes along and asks them to pause or end those relationships, that’s a nonstarter. But in a situation like the one in the inquiry above, the considerations are different.

First, I’m so sorry. It can be incredibly painful when desires just aren’t aligned. You took a risk on someone you clearly cared about and had strong feelings for. That’s a beautiful thing. I imagine it was incredibly difficult to hold the complications of that relationship, to hope for a scenario that would honor who you are and what you want in your life while also inviting that person to be part of it.

Please don’t regret the leap of faith you took. I sincerely hope there was still immense value in the experience itself, and probably some lessons learned along the way.

I’m an advocate for easing into nonmonogamy. Our nervous systems often need the onramp. Going from zero to a hundred can be overwhelming, especially for those of us with a lot of work to do to deprogram mononormativity. I reference exposure therapy quite a lot in my work - speaking both literally and figuratively to how our nervous systems function. We need to build tolerance, to stretch into new challenges incrementally, without stretching so far that we snap.

But these same principles are what make opening up such a complicated endeavor. Ideally, we want the relationship to feel progressive, not stagnant. Sometimes what happens - and it sounds like this might have been the case in your situation - is that by pausing and holding a “temporary” monogamous container, we get stuck. The topic of when and how to open up becomes difficult to broach.

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