Ask Luna Rose: The Questions I Get Asked Most

Photo by Sara Er

I’ve been sitting on a handful of questions that come up again and again. Sometimes they come in DMs or comments, or even in conversations in my daily life. If I’m being honest, none of them have easy answers, but that’s what makes them so interesting and real.

Below I’ve answered three of them for you!

Question 1: “My partner’s new relationship is going really well, and mine isn’t. I feel awful about how much that bothers me.”

I just want to start by saying that this is such a common thing that people practicing ENM feel. Feeling bad about it doesn’t help you at all! It’s important to be gentle with yourself.

Firstly, it doesn’t sound like you are actually upset that your partner is finding connection, romance, maybe even love with someone else. It seems like your discomfort is more based on the asymmetry in the experience. When both people are involved in dating others, non-monogamy can feel really expansive and smooth. When things are unequal, and one person is getting more connection or intimacy than the other, it can feel very off-balance. And this tilt can feel really uncomfortable. You’re not a villain!

What’s more, this experience can bring up deeper questions, like: what does it mean that they found this and I haven’t? and what do I actually want/need right now? In other words, what are you actually lacking in the moment? Is it connection, a feeling of being desired and chosen, fun? The fact that your partner has a new relationship and you don’t doesn’t mean anything about you. But it might be bringing to light your own desires, insecurities, etc. And these are important to look at and understand.

Now for the practical part: tell your partner. Don’t accuse them, and don’t try to make them feel bad for it; just inform them of where you’re at. I’m really happy for you, and I’m also finding this hard because x,y,z. Maybe there is a need that needs to be tended to. Maybe you need more date nights together, or more intentional time after dates with others. Being upfront with your partner will only bring you two closer with a deeper understanding of each other.

Question 2: “I’ve developed feelings for someone who doesn’t want what I want. Do I walk away?”

Wow, this question hits home for me.

Honestly, I think you probably already know the answer to this question. What you’re looking for from me is permission. So let me give it to you: you are always allowed to walk away from something that isn’t working or is dragging you down, even if it is beautiful, even if you have a deep love for the person involved.

But before you do, it’s important to get really clear on two things that have a tendency to get tangled up. To start off, you need to ask yourself one thing honestly: is the incompatibility real as things stand today? Not whether they might come around. Not whether there's a conversation that could shift it. Whether, right now, they want something you can't give. If they do, that isn't a problem to solve. It's just information for you.

Secondly, you need to investigate how this situation is impacting the rest of your life. This is the part I’d pay closest attention to. Being involved with someone who doesn’t want what you want tends to suck our energy in ways we might not even notice. For example, it can take up a lot of your time, pulling you away from the people, places, and things that you care about. Notice how you feel throughout your week, how much of yourself you’re showing up with in your other relationships. If you’re bringing less of yourself home, you’ll know. You might not have admitted it yet, but you’ll know.

Walking away doesn’t have to mean the whole thing was a mistake. Something can be genuinely good and genuinely not viable, and holding both of those at once is more honest than deciding it was never real just to make leaving easier.

Question 3: “I don’t like my metamour. Am I allowed to say that?”

Of course you’re allowed to feel it! What you actually do with it is the question.

I think there’s a kind of unspoken expectation in a lot of ENM spaces that everyone needs to get along. That a healthy polycule looks like everyone in the group chat, shared birthdays, and even trips together. For some people it works out like this, and that’s awesome! But for others, it doesn’t, and that’s also totally okay. You don’t usually have a say in who your partner falls for, and the odds of every one of those people being someone you’d have chosen as a friend are honestly slim.

So the first thing I suggest is getting specific about what kind of not-liking this is. There is the we have nothing in common, and I find them a bit boring, which is completely fine and requires nothing from anyone. And then there’s, I think they’re careless with my partner, or something about how they operate worries me, which is a different thing entirely and does require speaking up.

The first kind, I’d keep to yourself, or at most mention it to your partner but lightly and without a lot of weight. Your partner doesn’t need to know you find their girlfriend dull, and telling them puts them in a position where they’re managing your feelings about someone they care about.

How to treat the second kind really depends on what it is that you don’t like. If you think they are mistreating your partner, that is something to seriously talk to your partner about. If they are putting you and your health in danger, again, this is something to bring up frankly to your partner. It’s up to you to understand how urgent this dislike is and what the best path forward is.

The thing I’ve had to make peace with is that a metamour is not a friend you chose. They’re a person who loves someone you love. Civility, good faith, and a bit of distance is a perfectly respectable place to land.

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These are the ones that come up most, but I know there are others. Paid subscribers can send me anything, anonymously, and I pick a few each month. So if something’s sitting with you, upgrade and check out this post to find the Google form for submitting questions.

xx, Luna Rose

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