Am I Jealous or Am I Envious? Why the Difference Actually Matters

Kitty Chambliss with Jeff Gleason and Sarah Love, guests on the Loving Without Boundaries podcast

Most people use “jealous” as a catch-all word for every uncomfortable feeling that shows up when a partner is out living their non-monogamous life. But jealousy and envy are not the same feeling, and mixing them up means you end up trying to solve the wrong problem.

My client Sarah described the exact moment this distinction cracked open for her. She kept telling her partner Jeff, “I need security, I need to know what’s coming, my needs aren’t getting met” — and she believed it, every time she said it. But when they actually dug into what was underneath it, she realized there wasn’t a real unmet need there at all. What she actually wanted was significance — just knowing their connection was still stable. Once she named that specifically and asked for it directly, she told me it was almost shockingly simple: “Oh wow, this is so much easier. I thought I needed this, and I didn’t.”

That’s envy doing its work quietly, disguised as jealousy. Jealousy, in its truest sense, is about fearing you’ll lose something you already have — your partner, your connection, your place in their life. Envy is wanting something you don’t currently have at all — more time, more attention, more of a particular kind of experience — and mistaking the ache of that want for a threat to the relationship itself.

Here’s why the difference actually matters: if you respond to envy as if it were jealousy, you end up trying to control or restrict your partner’s other relationships to soothe a feeling that was never actually about them taking something away from you. But if you can correctly name it as envy — I want more of this specific thing, not I’m afraid of losing what I have — the real conversation becomes about what you want to build more of in your own life or your own relationship, instead of a conversation about limiting someone else’s.

Sarah’s partner Jeff had his own version of this same untangling to do — a lifetime of limiting beliefs he didn’t even know weren’t his, showing up as reactivity every time real closeness with someone new came into the picture. Neither of them fixed this by trying harder to not feel things. They fixed it by getting specific enough to know exactly what feeling they were dealing with, so they could actually address it instead of guessing.

Next time something twists in your chest when your partner mentions a date, get curious before you get reactive. Ask yourself: am I afraid of losing something I have? Or am I aching for something I don’t have yet? They deserve two completely different responses — and naming the right one is half the work.

About This Episode

Jeff Gleason and Sarah Love have been together almost eight years, five of them practicing open relating. Jeff is a public school educator and men’s coach; Sarah is a sex educator. They came to coaching at what they describe as a genuine breaking point in their relationship, after years of trying to make ethical non-monogamy work without the tools to actually navigate it.

In this episode, Jeff and Sarah talk with Kitty about the specific moment they each realized how much of the conflict in their relationship was coming from inside themselves rather than from each other — including the distinction between jealousy and envy that changed how Sarah understood her own reactions.

Full Episode Transcript

Coming up on today’s show, Jeff and Sarah have been together almost eight years. They’ve been open relating for five of those years. Jeff is a public school educator and men’s coach, and Sarah is a sex educator. They live in Colorado with their two kids. Here they share the results they achieved working within our open relating coaching program at Loving Without Boundaries.

Welcome to Loving Without Boundaries, where we hear inspiring stories, share actionable advice, and talk about the challenges and the joys of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. I’m your host, Kitty Chambliss. Coming up after the break, my conversation with Jeff and Sarah.

I’m thrilled to be here with two of our transformed clients — Jeff and Sarah. I’d love it if you’d introduce yourselves.

I’m Sarah, I live in Colorado. We’ve been open relating for a few years, but it ran into some roadblocks, and that’s how we came upon Kitty’s course.

I’m Jeff. We definitely needed some help navigating pieces we were running into — we’re both in the coaching/education world ourselves, but we still needed support.

Take me back to where you were when you first reached out. What were the biggest struggles?

For me, I come from a serial-cheating background — not being open and honest, and thinking polyamory would just be the fix for that. And then realizing those same behaviors were still coming through for me. I wasn’t owning my desires, I wasn’t speaking my truth, and it was demolishing our relationship. We got to a breaking point — either find help, or dissolve this and move on.

We’d gotten to where anything — who’s doing the dishes, or something bigger — resulted in a fight. We couldn’t get on the same page. I know for me, I was stuck in this blame loop where it was constantly Jeff’s fault, and I was doing nothing wrong.

I remember that first call vividly — how emotional you both were, how much was at stake.

Looking back now, what do you see that you couldn’t see then?

I recognized how I’d gotten to a place where he could do nothing right — even when he was following our agreements, everything was still his fault, still making me uncomfortable. I was so stuck in this monogamous belief system I didn’t even realize I was still applying. I really wasn’t seeing him as a human with his own needs. It was all about my own internal struggle I wasn’t even aware of.

For me, it was my limiting beliefs about myself — how that shows up, especially when Sarah’s out with a new partner. Those beliefs would just fester and swirl, and I’d lash out without knowing where it was even coming from. I had to realize — these are beliefs I’ve carried, maybe not even mine originally, maybe passed down. And then figuring out what I actually wanted, what my desires were — because I couldn’t even name them, let alone ask for them.

There was a moment where we were talking about needs, and I kept saying, “I need security, I need to know what’s coming.” And when we really dug into it, I realized there wasn’t even a need there — it was more about significance, just knowing our connection was stable. Once I asked for that specifically, it was like — oh wow, this is so much easier. I thought I needed this, and I didn’t.

That’s such a powerful distinction. What did the process of actually going through the program look like for you both?

Understanding the difference between jealousy and envy was a big one for me. There’s this idea we grow up with that jealousy is bad — if you’re jealous, something’s wrong with you. So we stuff it, and there’s often envy wrapped up in what we’re calling jealousy. Learning to ask myself — am I feeling envy, or am I feeling jealous, and if it’s jealousy, what am I actually needing — that was the opening for me.

Mine still comes back to those limiting beliefs. It’s something I have to keep revisiting, because it’s so ingrained — I’m not going to fix thirty years of programming in three months. It’s peeling back one layer, and then there’s another one underneath.

Where would you say you are today?

I’m so much more able to actually receive Jeff’s desires now than I was before. I remember writing in the book — recognizing that wanting these things is normal, there’s nothing wrong with it, I can receive this. We’re definitely catching ourselves quicker now, and we have shared language for it — “hey, we’re not following the thing we learned, let’s go back to that piece.”

I’m noticing the reprogramming I still need to do — but I don’t go into full panic the way I used to. It’s on more of a delay now. We have a place we can pause and say, “hold on, I need to take care of myself for a minute, let’s come back.”

And unraveling the codependency we had with each other — that’s definitely unwinding too.

Would you recommend this to people facing similar struggles?

Yes — I think this course could help no matter how rough or how solid your relationship is right now.

I echo that. The more I do the work, the more I can connect with Sarah, and with other people too, because I know who I am better.

Thank you both so much for your honesty here today.

Thank you. Just — thank you.

Thanks for tuning in to today’s show. If you like what you heard, are struggling with some aspect of your relationships, and you’re interested in seeing if you’re a fit to work with me as your relationship coach, here’s what I invite you to do next. Head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — that’s lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — and book a call to speak with me. I’ll get on the phone with you for about 45 minutes, and we’ll get you crystal clear on three things. Number one, exactly what’s not working well in your relationships right now. Number two, ideally, where you’d like to be and what might be getting in the way. Number three, the exact strategy to get you there, helping to close that gap. Remember, creating healthy, open relationships does not typically happen by itself. Many often need expert guidance to make it happen. We’ve helped clients all over the world feel safe, happy, and secure in open relationships while not losing their mind or their cherished partners. To see if we can help you do the same, head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply. I’m Kitty Chambliss, and let’s talk soon.

If This Is Where You Are Right Now

You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this alone. I wrote the Jealousy Survival Guide for exactly this moment — the one where a feeling shows up and you’re not even sure yet what to call it. Sometimes naming it correctly is half the work. There’s a path through the rest.

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KITTY CHAMBLISS, Master Coach (ICF-Certified), CPC
Relationship Coach | Speaker | Educator | Trauma-Informed
Author of “Jealousy Survival Guide: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship”

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