4 Questions to Ask a Therapist Before Your First Session (If You’re in an Open or Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationship)

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Hello Loving Without Boundaries Community!

Somebody finally works up the nerve to go to therapy. And then they spend the first three sessions explaining what their relationship even is.

I hear this constantly in my coaching practice. By the time they get to the thing that was actually hurting, they have run out of energy, and often out of money. So this week I put out my first press release about it, and I want to share it with you here.

What the research found

A study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology surveyed 249 people in consensually non-monogamous relationships across the United States and Canada about their experiences in therapy. Roughly one in five said their therapist lacked the basic knowledge needed to be effective, or that they had to keep educating the therapist themselves. The researchers also found that when a client perceived inappropriate practice, it predicted whether they ended the therapeutic relationship early.

Here’s the part I find most useful. Nearly half of the participants, 48%, deliberately looked for a therapist who was affirming of consensual non-monogamy before they started. Those clients rated their therapist as more helpful.

Nobody thinks to interview a therapist. You are already struggling by the time you are looking for one. But fifteen minutes of questions at the start can save months.

The four questions

1. Have you worked with clients in open or consensually non-monogamous relationships before, and roughly how many?
2. What training have you had on the subject, and when?
3. If my relationship structure is not the reason I am here, will you be able to leave it alone?
4. What would you do if you found yourself struggling with it?

Why question four matters most

A good clinician will tell you the truth. “I would refer you on” is a fine answer. It means they know their limits. The ones to be careful of are the ones who say it would never come up.

A word about what I do, and what I don’t

I am a Master Certified Coach, not a therapist. Coaching works on skills and patterns going forward. A therapist can work clinically with trauma, mental health conditions and the past in ways I cannot and should not. Plenty of people need one. Some need both. And if you are in crisis or dealing with something clinical, coaching is not what you need, and I will tell you so.

Most therapists are not hostile to this. They simply were not taught it, and there has not been anywhere obvious to learn. That is changing, slowly. In the meantime, you deserve to be helped instead of spending your sessions explaining yourself.

Read the full press release

You can read the full press release on AP News here: https://apnews.com/press-release/ein-presswire-newsmatics/press-release-4ba3c0e18df95cb8181773f11ef025d8

I lovingly invite you to save this list, or send it to someone who is about to start looking for a therapist. And if you are a therapist or a coach and want to share these four questions with your clients, please do. That is the whole point.

For the research, here is the study: Schechinger, Sakaluk & Moors (2018), “Harmful and helpful therapy practices with consensually non-monogamous clients: Toward an inclusive framework,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 86(11), 879-891.

With love, Kitty

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KITTY CHAMBLISS, Master Coach (ICF-Certified), CPC
Relationship Coach | Speaker | Educator | Trauma-Informed
Author of “Jealousy Survival Guide: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship”

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