Your Partner Isn't Responsible For Your Orgasm

We have been sold a rom-com lie: our partner is supposed to make us cum, all by themselves, like magic. However, this is rarely how sex goes (especially for straight women). More often it’s a mix of wondering if you’re taking too long, hoping your partner (or one night stand) happens to know exactly how to get you off, and afterwards feeling like your vibrator would’ve done a better job. Sound familiar?

It’s time to be adults and reclaim our agency to our own pleasure. Your partner isn’t responsible for your orgasm. You are. And I’m not talking only physically; your brain is one of the most powerful tools in creating desire.

When we expect our partner to be responsible for our orgasm, we surrender our own ability to connect with our pleasure. When we lie back in bed, give little to no feedback, and hope that our partner “gets it right” because that’s what we think means “good sex,” we are setting ourselves up for failure. Because even if your partner does satisfy you (and make you cum), you have reinforced the idea that you are not a part of that equation. That means when your body, desires, likes and dislikes inevitably shift, you are relying on fate - and your partner’s mind-reading skills - to meet you in those changes.

How might your sex life change if you claimed your right to your pleasure and your power to create it?

Connection - and sex - is an interplay between you and your lover - it is not something only your partner is responsible for. Approaching pleasure and orgasm as a collaboration, instead of something your partner does for you, creates a context for sex that is more flexible, communicative, and alive. And don’t you want your sex life to feel alive?

If you’re accustomed to the idea that your partner is responsible for your orgasm, this new approach will take some getting used to - and that’s okay! If it feels overwhelming, or even downright confusing, to be in charge of your orgasm and pleasure, here’s what I want you to keep in mind.

Begin by connecting with your own eroticism. Instead of focusing on if your partner is going to make you cum, get curious about what feels most pleasurable to you. I highly encourage you to explore this during masturbation - it can really take the pressure off of working on this new skill (of knowing what is most pleasurable to you!) during partnered sex.

Then, practice asking for what you want and giving feedback. Each of these is important; telling - and showing - your partner what feels best for you before play even begins(!) helps them understand your specific roadmap. Giving feedback after play (once your clothes are back on) about what felt great, what you’d each like less of, and what you’re interested to try creates an ongoing conversation around everyone’s pleasure.

I know this might make you squirm, but I promise you - your partner would love to know how to best make you feel good (and if they don’t, maybe it’s time for a different partner!). You can describe to your partner what feels great beforehand, you can give them gentle feedback in the moment, and you can even masturbate in front of them so they can have a front row seat to your pleasure.

Finally, practice being flexible and patient with your lover. This is so important! Your sex life will absolutely go through changes throughout your lifetime. If you practice giving feedback to your partner and being flexible as they implement it, you will set yourself up for a more sustainable approach as your sex life evolves over time. And you will feel so much more powerful throughout the process.

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