Why Do We Date Our Parents?

Have you ever looked at your partner (or situationship) and thought, “damn, this person is just like my dad?” (or mom. Or guardian. You choose.)

You’ve probably even discussed this with your friends or your therapist - it’s a very, very common occurrence. So why does it happen?

As children, we learned what attachment and love looks like. Maybe your parents (or caregivers) were consistently available, and you understood that your future attachment figures (your romantic partners) would also be readily available and able to comfort you and celebrate you as needed. More likely, your parents were inconsistent, avoidant, or relied on you for their emotional support. Our squishy brains aren’t yet developed as kids, and we interpret the behaviors from our guardians as the norm. Connecting with partners who then behave in similar patterns - hard to get ahold of, hot and cold, or deeply anxious about connecting with you - might be difficult for us, but our nervous system recognizes them as “home.”

Our nervous systems adapt to make sense of the conditions of our environment. If you grew up with a dad who yelled at you for every little thing, you learned to walk on eggshells throughout the house, hoping to fly under the radar from your father’s rage. As you began dating, you might have chosen partners who also left you feeling on edge or who exploded unpredictably. This isn’t because you enjoy this feeling of discomfort. We are drawn to people who mimic our earliest social environments, because our nervous systems are accustomed to feeling that way.

We choose partners who re-enact the system we grew up in; we find comfort in understanding what to expect, even if we dislike the outcome.

This doesn’t mean we’re “doomed” to stay caught in the same cycles we endured throughout childhood. Choosing a new dynamic in your relationships begins with understanding the dynamics of your childhood, and the ways you had to create safety for yourself. Did you learn to fight back? Did you internalize that you are only lovable when you are productive? Did you understand that love feels unpredictable, and often painful? You will look to create these same interactions with your romantic partners, and it will likely feel deeply uncomfortable when your partners show up differently. That’s okay. Be compassionate with yourself around this - your nervous system hasn’t yet learned anything different.

Once you are able to bring awareness to how you are re-enacting childhood dynamics in your current partnerships, you have the opportunity to make different choices. This begins the work of learning to soothe your nervous system around your current partners - reminding yourself they are not, in fact, your parents. You and your partners get to collaborate on shifting the relational dynamic to help it feel smoother and safer, for both of you. This can be difficult and challenging work - but the results are so incredibly worthwhile.

Do not blame your partners for participating in this dynamic with you - they also have arrived at it from a similar place. Everyone carries their own childhood wounds and stories, and romantic relationships are one of the most powerful places we see the impact of those experiences.

As we further understand ourselves, we get to answer the following questions…

Is partnership the place we heal from childhood wounds? Are our partners the safe haven that help us find secure attachment? Can they become the place for comfort and continuation? And who do we choose to accompany us as we forge a new relational path?

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