When Your Partner Gives You More Grace Than You Can Give Back

I’ve recently noticed a surprising pattern showing up in coaching sessions in people who are considering opening their relationship. The circumstances are always different, but the emotional arc feels very similar…

One half of a couple is genuinely excited for their partner to start exploring. They encourage their partner to make a dating profile. They ask if they’ve matched with anyone, or messaged that person who they connected with yet. Maybe they tell them they hope they plan a date and have a wonderful time.

And then... nothing happens. Weeks go by, and the profile is still sitting there with no dates on the calendar.

There’s usually a perfectly reasonable explanation to wait a little longer: One more book that they want to read before they feel ready, or perhaps a busy season at work.

Eventually, a client put words to it so clearly that I began to understand the hesitation very differently:

“If I let myself fully receive this... what happens when I can’t give it back?”

Roberto Gil de Montes, Boy on River, 2020

I think this is where many people get stuck.

They assume the moment they receive this generosity, they'll suddenly have to become capable of offering the same freedom back.

And for many people, that’s when a fearful part gets really loud: What if I can never catch up? If I can’t offer you the same, will that change how you see me? Or worse: Because I can’t do this today, maybe I’ll never be able to. And maybe you’ll eventually leave because of that and find someone who can offer you what I can’t.

No wonder we hesitate. If we’re not in the same place as our partner, it’s easy to start believing we’re somehow falling behind.

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