What Babygirl got right (and wrong) about kink

Babygirl was a slightly dreamy - and at times frenetic - experience that engulfed us in feelings of carnal desire, confusion, and sexual exploration. There was a lot that Babygirl got right about kink and that should be celebrated! And, there were several problematic portrayals of how to navigate kink and its deeply vulnerable dynamics.

What Babygirl got right about kink

Often, people imagine kink as hitting and tying each other up. But there is so much more to kink dynamics, and Babygirl does a great job displaying that. Nicole Kidman’s character, Romy, and her younger lover Samuel, played by Harris Dickinson, have a clear power dynamic that doesn’t include any sort of impact play or shibari. Kink can take many forms, and it can be as simple (and exciting) as eating a candy on your hands and knees.

Kink can be liberating and playful! At one point, Dickinson describes their dynamic as “two kids playing” and that is part of the magic of kink. It can help usher you into a freer, more playful arena of sex that allows you to drop your guard and preconceptions and enter into the experience of pleasure in a totally new way. Kink can create a container that gives you the safety to explore things you had only ever fantasized about, which can be the healing salve to a lifelong feeling of being disgusting, as Kidman’s character tearfully admits.

Kidman and Dickinson have a conversation about consent (half-way through the movie, but more on that later), and Dickinson insists that he cannot continue their sexual dynamic unless Kidman verbally consents to it. It is wildly important that kink dynamics are consensual. To create a safe environment, all parties must enthusiastically consent to what might transpire during the sex, kinky or not. It was also important that this conversation happened outside of the bedroom. I consistently preach that we need to have these vulnerable conversations clothed and away from the environment in which we play, because there is no need to be doubly naked.

The shame that so many people feel about their kinky desires or fantasies was well portrayed in Babygirl. Both Kidman and Dickinson have moments where they want to be assured that they aren’t monsters. This need for validation around one’s non-normative desires is so incredibly potent and, well, normal. Witnessing each of their characters sinking into the feeling of acceptance for themselves around these desires, by fulfilling them with each other, was a magical experience. My hope is that each person who feels alone in their fantasies can have the healing experience of acknowledging that it is okay to desire what they do.

At one point, Kidman begins to cry after a kink “scene” (the sexual experience) with Dickinson. He immediately holds her, soothing her, which he is often shown doing after they have sex. Kink can be such an intensely emotional and vulnerable experience, which is why aftercare is so essential. Aftercare is the practice of checking in, reconnecting, and processing anything that needs to be processed after finishing the scene. This can include holding each other, soothing and being with any emotions that come up (like crying), and a range of other ways to feel connected and cared for. The sweetness that is evident between Kidman and Dickinson directly after scenes is an integral part of the safety she felt within their dynamic, and created an environment where she could fully release.

What Babygirl got wrong about kink

Contrary to Dickinson’s remark, drinking a glass of milk is not consenting to a dominant/submissive (d/s) dynamic. There were no clear negotiations until halfway through the film, which is much too late for kink negotiations to happen. I encourage you to have clear conversations around boundaries, hard limits, and desires before engaging in any kind of kink with a partner (long-term or not).

Although they did discuss a safe word, there was no discussion about what happens when the safe word is used**.** I encourage you to very clearly determine how to check in throughout a scene as part of your negotiations. Many people like to utilize the “traffic light system” to help check in during play. This looks like saying “green” to tell your partner they can increase the intensity, “yellow” to note that you like that intensity but not to go any farther than that, and “red” to state that your partner has gone past the intensity you’d like and they need to back down, but you’re not finished with play yet. (Note: some people use “Red” as their safe word; it’s imperative you check in about what each light means before play.) You can then use your safe word when you need all play to stop and go immediately into aftercare.

What Babygirl can teach us about sex overall

Babygirl is a reminder that you are allowed to own your sexuality and eroticism, especially as a woman. Kidman’s character “had it all,” and yet she was deeply sexually dissatisfied. You do not have to live your life sexually dissatisfied, and you can improve your sex life with your long-term partner at any point. Take this as your reminder to embrace your eroticism and desires for whatever they are, and start speaking up for what you need sexually. It might be deeply scary and vulnerable, but there is so much freedom on the other side.

Comments

Join the conversation — create a free account to comment.

Join the conversation

Loading comments…