Should you wait to have sex?

There are a lot of opinions out there about when you should (or shouldn’t) have sex in a new relationship. For some, waiting is imperative to help build a foundation of emotional intimacy that doesn’t get clouded with the dopamine rush of great sex. For others, connecting physically is a necessity in helping to feel closer, or in helping suss out if this is really the relationship they want to invest in.

Spoiler alert: waiting to have sex doesn’t actually guarantee anything. Waiting might help you build a more robust emotional bond, which can help y’all communicate about your sex life more easily. But the timing of when you engage in sex doesn’t guarantee longevity of a relationship, satisfying sex, or that someone is “serious” about you. Whenever you decide to have sex, there’s a chance it will not be amazing right off the bat - and that’s okay! It’s very normal for sex to take effort, communication, and practice to be satisfying, no matter how long you waited.

So what happens if you waited… and the sex wasn’t what you had hoped?

It can be incredibly disappointing when you and your partner wait to have sex only to discover that the sex is, well, disappointing. But that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed! Sex is a skill, and so much of what goes into satisfying sex includes practice and communication. If sex with your partner begins lackluster, focusing on what I coined as the ABC’s of Sex – Attunement, Being present, and Communication – can create a much spicier connection.

No matter when you started sleeping together, if you and your partner are having dissatisfying sex I encourage you to to talk about it – outside of the bedroom! Discussing sex with your partner can be really vulnerable, and there’s no need to be doubly naked.

When you have this conversation about your sex life, it’s important to provide plenty of appreciations about your partner and your current play; focusing on how you want to enjoy each other even more. Discuss what you would like more of and what you would like to shift. Framing it in this way helps steer clear of a laundry list of things you aren’t enjoying, and helps orient y’all towards what you can add in as opposed to what your partner might interpret as “failings.”

Remember that your sex life is a collaboration, and it can take some trial and error to find exactly what feels best for both of you. If you feel stuck or confused in trying to navigate these topics with your partner, working with a sex therapist can also be a very useful next step.

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