May We All Be Sluts

To be a slut is supposed to be a dirty thing.

Slut is hurled as an insult; meant to tear you down for desiring too much, having too many partners, wearing too few clothes. You are a slut if you talk about sex too much (oops, I made it my job!). You are a slut if you are clear about your wanting. You are a slut if you don’t care about complying.

It’s a label reserved for everyone except cis straight men, and most often directed at women and femmes (in line with the original definition being “a slovenly, dirty, and untidy woman.”1) It is a label used to exert control over someone else’s body; a reminder that you will never be that straight cis man, who may flaunt his sexuality however he pleases. It is a whispered insult passed around sorority brunches, as we attempt to control each other. It is ultimately a distraction - a fucked up one.

Media continues to drive this point home. As one of the cornerstones of my late adolescence, “Mean Girls” reminded us all that to be a slut was to be ashamed. The goal is to have the option to be a slut, but actually acting on it is going too far. We are taught that men are celebrated for their sexual desires, and everyone else is called names.

My college friends and I decided to use slut as a term of endearment - a way of reclaiming our power. “Hey slut!” we’d giggle, owning our role as the “girls who got around” in the dorm. We seemed to be the odd ones out - the few who talked loudly about sex, encouraged each other to receive pleasure during it, and experimented with “slutty” clothing.

Banding together was a source of strength; a way to feel connected to each other instead of judged for our desires. Regardless of how people attempted to wield it against me, to be a slut became a badge of honor; a public celebration of every woman who ever wanted.

But many did not have that experience, and I often work with clients and speak to friends who struggle with the idea that they are a slut. They are filled with shame at the prospect of wanting too much, desiring too often, or indulging in what feels good. The current administration also hopes that people (who don’t identify as men) cave to the idea that we must devalue ourselves for our desires. But I want you to hear me - to be a slut is to be free.

If we get to choose to identify as sluts, that means we also get to choose if we don’t identify as sluts. The freedom is in the choice that you make for yourself, instead of allowing someone else to dictate your sexuality and body. We deserve respect for our humanity and intelligence, regardless of how many sex partners we have, the type of clothing we wear, or our STI status (people with positive STI statuses are overwhelmingly judged as sluts). The more shame we feel about our experiences, the more paralyzed we are - just the way they want us.

Using slut as an insult only serves to reinforce this violent power - if we are punished for our desires, we will stay small and weak. If we remain concerned about our wanting, we won’t have bandwidth to be uneasy about anything outside of ourselves. If we are forced to comply with a made-up version of what sexuality should look like, we will spend forever policing ourselves and our peers - a perfect way to distract us from the reality of the patriarchal, violent systems operating to control us.

Experiencing intense sexual desire is normal and absolutely okay. If you want to act on it (consensually, of course), go right ahead, and please don’t judge yourself for it. Allow yourself to sit with the full spectrum of your fantasies and sexual world. But don’t make yourself small because of someone else’s incorrect notions about the world.

Owning your sexual desire is an act of liberation. Celebrating your sexuality is an act of defiance.

And I say we celebrate the fuck out of ourselves.

1

https://www.etymonline.com/word/slut#:~:text=c.,the%20primary%20sense%20through%2018c.

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