It's Time To Go Deeper Than Insertive Sex

Sex often seems to imply one thing - insertion.

This holds true for straight and queer sex - there is an intense obsession on getting to the insertive portion of sex, whether it be with a dick or a dildo. But we don’t need either of those Ds, and we’d probably all enjoy sex a lot more if we stopped focusing so much on insertion. So strap in (sorry - had to), and let’s talk about getting off the insertion train and into the larger world of non-insertive sex. Because sex includes a whole buffet, not just a single dish!

Let’s Talk Dicks

For people having sex with penises, insertive sex of some kind can often seem like the “main event” of sexual play. This approach puts a lot of pressure on the dick(s) in question to stay hard, perform for “long enough,” and be ready to go at the drop of a hat. That’s just not how dicks work, though. So many factors can impact whether a penis gets hard and stays hard, including stress, anxiety, and even heart health. With erections being an unreliable resource, it makes sense to expand our sexual repertoire to include other “main events.”

With penetration alone, vulva owners having sex with penises have a 21-30% chance of achieving orgasm.1 For comparison, you have a higher chance of making a full-court basketball shot (about 33%)! Even without orgasm being the goal, this is a clear demonstration of why we should be focusing on much more than just insertive sex throughout our play.

Shifting Our Focus

Orgasms aren’t the goal. Insertion isn’t the goal. Mutual pleasure is the goal.

To achieve mutual pleasure we can include a lot more than just insertion. Often, the acts that aren’t insertive sex are called “foreplay,” but that implies that we are still working towards something else. Certified Sex Therapist Dr. Marty Klein instead coins these acts as “outercourse,” offering a more prominent place to sexual acts that don’t include insertion.

Shifting the focus away from mainly insertive sex is for everyone, no matter their genitals. This shift not only creates space for increased pleasure, but encourages the cultivation of an environment that isn’t built on stress or getting to some arbitrary finish line. It allows for the co-creation of a sexual container that is maintained through mutual pleasure, open communication, and feedback.

My Challenge to You

Take insertive sex off the table!

What was your reaction to that? Did you feel upset, excited, relieved, frustrated? Maybe something else entirely?

We can become so accustomed to having some sort of insertive sex that it might (mistakenly) feel as if sexual play without it will be boring or less satisfying. To help explore this narrative, I challenge you to engage in sexual play that doesn’t include insertion - just for one night!

You can use this as an opportunity to really explore each other’s bodies - to slow down and spend time being curious about what pleasure can be given and received without insertive sex. Take your time with each piece of the play, savoring the visual, auditory, and physical feedback from your partner.

Pay attention to what comes up for you during this session. Do you feel anxious about where “to go” with the sex? Do you feel nervous that you or your partner won’t have a good time? Honor those feelings and anxieties, and drop back into the physical feeling of play with your partner - how their skin feels, what they smell like, what sensations you feel in your body. Use all of this as information about how you like to give and receive pleasure, without judgment.

The Bottom Line

Sex gets to be whatever you (and your partners) want it to be. Don’t let yourself get swept up into the cultural norm of defaulting to insertive sex, especially in a long term relationship.

De-centering insertive sex is less about which acts you choose to engage in during play and more about your overall attitude towards sex and pleasure. When we shift the focus away from a specific goal (insertive sex), we allow ourselves the flexibility to enjoy all that sex has to offer. Being able to eat from the entire buffet of sex can help create a sense of ease, reduce feelings of pressure and anxiety, and ground us in the connective properties of sex.

Think of sex as a shared project on mutual pleasure - one that goes far beyond just insertion.

1

Shirazi T, Renfro KJ, Lloyd E, Wallen K. Women's Experience of Orgasm During Intercourse: Question Semantics Affect Women's Reports and Men's Estimates of Orgasm Occurrence. Arch Sex Behav. 2018 Apr;47(3):605-613. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-1102-6. Epub 2017 Oct 27. Erratum in: Arch Sex Behav. 2018 Apr;47(3):615. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-1114-2. PMID: 29079939.

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