RELATIONSHIPS

How to be Good in Bed

from a Certified Sex Therapist.

MAY 3, 2025

What makes someone good in bed?

The answer depends on who you ask.

Maybe it means fucking like an adult film star (or at least looking like you do). Maybe it means having the biggest, hardest dick or a pussy that squirts on command.

Or maybe you know you’re good in bed because someone earnestly told you so - so, it must have been true, right?

Ask yourself right now, what qualities do you consider “good in bed?”

I’m serious. Take a moment to really think about it.

Now that you’ve done that, here’s what I - a Certified Sex Therapist - believe actually makes someone good in bed.

Being good in bed means…

First, let’s acknowledge there’s no universal definition of what being “good” in bed is. But if we all embodied the following practices, we would be having a hell of a lot more deeply satisfying sex.

You are flexible in your approach to sex and intimacy.

Sex changes over our lifetimes and relationships, and that means we need to have a more flexible approach to it. Sex at 60 won’t look the same as sex at 20 - and that’s normal! Embracing bodily changes, shifting desires, and continuing to explore what feels good to ourselves and our partner(s) is essential to ongoing sexual satisfaction.

You are able to clearly communicate about your sexual wants, needs, and desires - and you have thought critically about what they include.

To co-create enjoyable sexual play, it’s important to know what you’re excited about - and not so excited about - in bed. Openly discussing your and your partner’s sexual desires and boundaries might feel scary or deeply vulnerable, but it’s one of the most important steps in collaborating on the sex life you each deserve.

You stay curious about what your sexual partners want, desire, and need.

One of the most insidious ways to slowly kill a partnered sex life is to assume you already know what your partner wants. Sure, you might know a lot of what they already enjoy! But staying curious and continuing the conversation of what feels good during sex (and not so good!) will maintain intimacy, foster connection, and deepen attunement throughout your partnership.

You are able to tolerate when sexual experiences are challenging or don’t go as planned.

Sex, like any other human experience experience, can sometimes be disappointing, challenging, or just flat out mediocre - and that’s okay! We can expect this to happen, which means we can prepare to meet it with grace and understanding. When sex doesn’t go as planned, it can definitely be upsetting. In those moments, acknowledge yours (and your partner’s) feelings. And remember that one (or several) disappointing sexual encounters do not define your entire sex life. Stay grounded in connection, pleasure, and playfulness to find your way back to enjoyable experiences.

You understand that satisfying sex doesn’t always mean sex that ends in orgasm.

Let’s repeat that - satisfying sex does not require orgasm! Yes, orgasms are wonderful and can feel amazing. But measuring “good” sex via orgasm can actually make climaxing more difficult and add a lot of pressure to the sexual play. Satisfying sex can be felt in so many different ways, and none of those have to include orgasm.

Consent is ongoing, continuous, and specific! Even if you’ve done a specific act with someone in the past does not mean you have automatic consent to do it again. Respecting boundaries, embracing enthusiastic consent, and being attuned to your partner creates an environment of deeper trust. When someone says “no,” it means you can trust their yes even more. And isn’t it that much hotter to know exactly when someone really wants you?

Ultimately, being good in bed is not about performance or having an orgasm. It is about connection, flexibility, curiosity, communication, and consent. Lean into these, and you’ll be set up for very satisfying sex - for life.