Do you have low desire or...

Sexual desire ebbs and flows, especially over a long term relationship. But what happens when your desire begins to tank? I talk to people every day who are concerned about their weakening desire, or total lack of desire, for their partner. I know your urge is to panic - but I want you to take a deep breath first. You are not broken, and there’s a lot we can uncover about your low desire.

Lily (37 year old straight cis-female)1 came to see me because she no longer wanted to have sex with her fiancé, Ross (35 year old straight cis-male), and was feeling extremely upset about the potential of having a sexless marriage. She spent our first several sessions in tears, detailing how she and Ross used to have “the most amazing sex” and now she barely feels in the mood. Lily was convinced that her weakening sex drive was the issue, and that we had to get to work “fixing” her problem. I encouraged Lily to slow down; the panic and fear she felt was very real, and the urgency to fix it made sense. However, I reminded her, there was a lot more information we still needed to look through before we could definitively catastrophize.

Responsive Desire

Lily might experience more responsive desire, which means she gets excited about sexual play after seeing or experiencing something that turns her on (outside of herself), instead of desire appearing spontaneously. This is totally normal! And it’s necessary to understand and take into consideration, especially in a long term relationship - and most importantly if we have been assuming that one’s desire is spontaneous. If Lily and Ross aren’t treating her desire as something that functions with external stimuli, she could be interpreting it as “low” instead of simply needing to get some more gas for the car to go.

After discussing this with Lily, and encouraging her to read Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski (which goes into this in detail), we determined that her desire is responsive. With this information, we were able to discuss what she and her partner could incorporate into their lives to help “set the table” for her responsive desire, and co-create a satisfying sex life.

You don’t like what’s on the menu

Why would you go back to a restaurant if you thought the food was only mediocre? Even if your partner really liked the food, you’d probably be less-than-excited to return if you didn’t enjoy it.

It’s the same for sex with your partner; you might be feeling not very excited about sexual play that isn’t very satisfying.

Lily and I discussed this in our sessions as a potential contributor to her “low” desire. This can be a tough pill to swallow! It’s hard to acknowledge that you aren’t having the type of sex you’d like to have with your partner, and that’s okay. Give yourself some grace as you move through this process.

As Lily and I discussed what was sexually satisfying to her, it became clear that the current sex with her fiancé wasn’t hitting the mark. Now, that’s fully on Ross’ - this is a shared responsibility for them to collaborate on how to find the most satisfying sexual dynamic. Lily needed to speak up about what she wanted in bed, and Ross needed to bring more curiosity into their sexual dynamic. Through conversations around how each of their sexual appetites and desires had shifted, Lily and Ross were able to start implementing more items on the sexual menu that tasted downright delicious.

Environmental Factors

When low desire shows up, I want us all to get really curious. What are the environmental factors at play that could be contributing to this low desire?

I want you to take stock of:

• lifestyle and life cycle changes, including having a baby, illness, or moving

• work stress

• the state of you and your partner’s physical bodies and emotional spirits

• mental health challenges

These are major factors that can contribute to a state of low desire. It is important to look at our lives holistically, as our sex lives don’t exist in a vacuum. If we are feeling overwhelmed by environmental factors, it can be very difficult to access our desire for sex - and that is totally okay. Understand what is happening, acknowledge and accept it, and then figure out if you can shift anything. Sometimes the answer is you can’t shift anything - and that is also okay. Accept that this might be a chapter in your life where desire is low. Embrace that, and ground in the fact that this chapter will one day shift, as they all do.

Emotional Connection

For many people, including Lily, it can feel damn near impossible to want to have sex with a partner from whom you feel emotionally distant. When considering your low desire, assess how connected you feel to your partner outside of sex. If you need to feel more emotionally close, express that to your partner! Have a conversation about your shared goals of connecting more deeply, both physically and emotionally. Then, collaborate on how to feel more emotionally connected (but not with the goal of having sex - can you say pressure?). Some great ways to do this are enjoying fun date nights together (outside of the house!) that really focus on being playful, incorporating relationship check-ins, and simply prioritizing a quality 5-second kiss every night before bed. Once you feel more emotionally connected, your low desire might begin to melt away.

1

These are fictional clients. All client information is confidential.

Comments

Join the conversation — create a free account to comment.

Join the conversation

Loading comments…