Bisexuals Don't Owe You Shit

I haven’t always been a loud bisexual. People who meet me now probably assume I’ve always been covered in rainbows (okay, that part is true) and floated easily between my attraction to all genders and presentations. My bisexual experience was a generally predictable journey; one that overwhelmingly included confusion, imposter syndrome, and kissing my best friends in college (what, you didn’t do that, too?).

I spent a lot of years (and tears!) building the confidence to claim my bisexuality. I finally did it; and it’s clear from my dyed hair, septum piercing, and tattoos that most people probably assume, anyway.

So why am I still talking about it?

On the current season of Netflix’s Love Is Blind, Brittany shares with Devin (her potential forever partner) that she has had experiences with women in the past. She doesn’t label herself, doesn’t tell us how emotionally deep these relationships were, and shares that she “never saw herself ending up with a woman long-term.” (We’ll get to that in a bit.) But Devin’s response is flaccid; it is a sad, predictable list of biphobic narratives that ultimately lead to the couple’s split.

As people who are into multiple genders (yes, bisexuality means you are attracted to more than one gender, not binary genders), we don’t owe anyone our sexual history. Often, there is a pressure to “prove” your bisexuality by providing a receipt of all the different people you’ve slept with. This is a reductive, gross policing of one’s sexuality and body.

And here’s the thing… Bisexuals don’t owe you shit.

If we want to share our sexual history with someone, we can go right ahead - but there is no such thing as “proving” our queerness. You can never fuck anyone and still be fully, wholly bisexual.

For a lot of America, the most they will engage with bisexuality will be right here, on Love is Blind. As one of the most popular series on Netflix, it’s important to break down the conversation between Brittany and Devin - so let’s clear a few things up.

Brittany is clearly on her journey, and she can be on her journey. Bisexuality doesn’t mean you have to like everyone equally, nor does it mean your bisexuality will always look the same across your romantic life. Brittany’s aversion to seeing herself with a woman long-term might be internalized homophobia, and it might simply be her legitimate preference; we don’t know. If this sounds like what you’re struggling with, that’s okay, but it’s important to understand where you are in your journey and communicate that to potential partners so they can opt-in or not. It’s okay to be on your own timeline, just don’t harm people in the process.

Being bisexual does not mean you are a slut - unless you want to be! Devin’s assumption that Brittany will have wandering eyes or not be finished exploring women is a tired narrative that only belongs in the trash. You can be bisexual and be monogamous. You can be bisexual and be poly. You can be bisexual and be vanilla, kinky, slutty, not slutty - you get the point. But attraction to multiple kinds of people? That doesn’t tell you anything about what kind of relationship or dater someone is. It just tells you they’re bisexual (or pan, or whatever label you want).

Being Queer is inherently powerful, and I hope Brittany sees that. Being Queer also means you get to define who you are and what shape queerness takes in your life. There is no “right” way to be bisexual. And remember - you don’t owe anyone shit.

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