A Threesome With You, Your Partner, and Despair

There is an unspoken tension that hangs between you and your partner. It lives in your bedsheets, slithers into time spent cuddling on the couch, and creates a heaviness in the air as you kiss goodbye. Your stomach aches at the mention of intimacy – it only reminds you of what you used to have, what you long for, and what you don’t know how to get back.

If sex used to be exciting and connective but now feels laden with stress, difficulty, and sadness – this is for you.

You are absolutely not alone in this pain. So many couples are struggling in silence, afraid to broach the topic of intimacy. When conversations about sex become intertwined with feelings of inadequacy and shame, it sometimes feels impossible to imagine things getting better. But a shift is possible - not without effort, vulnerability, and the willingness to move through the hard stuff, together.

All that sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment swirling around your sex life? That’s Grief. Grief often has a shape – one that drapes itself over your sex life and stays there, until you begin to do something differently.

So, invite Grief into your bedroom. Ask it to lay down with you (as it usually does), but this time, it’s invited. When you welcome Grief, it’s a different feeling – and can be exactly what you need.

When you choose to move towards Grief, to move with it instead of resisting it, it can soften. Choose to feel the weight of its caress. Maybe you tear up as you feel its quiet touch. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with relief. Either way, acknowledge that it is there, even if you wish it weren’t.

Accepting our reality is the first step towards healing. And recognizing that your current threesome – you, your partner, and Grief – is an uncomfortable, but common, experience will help move you towards healing.

So once you and your partner have acknowledged (and stopped resisting) your current sexual reality… what next?

I can’t speak directly to your situation, because I’m not your therapist. But I can share what I’ve seen help, time and time again, when Grief becomes a central part of your tryst.

Start by acknowledging and witnessing each other’s pain. Make sure you understand the depth of what your partner feels. Take the courageous leap to share how this has made you feel.

Yes, this is scary. Yes, this is hard. And yet – it will be so much more difficult to continue your relationship without anything changing.

As humans, we are meaning-making machines. What story are you each telling yourselves about the state of your sex life?

Does it mean your partner no longer finds you attractive? Does it mean you are a failure? Does it mean you – or your partner – are broken in some way?

Get clear about these narratives. Be vulnerable and share with each other what this despair means to each of you. Then, treat these stories with kindness. How might you be able to write a different story, together?

Finally, discuss what you each need from each other to reclaim your sex life. This might be a firmer feeling of trust, a deeper feeling of desire, or more emotional closeness. Be specific. Collaborate on what the steps are to meet your distinct needs – and commit to them.

Make different choices than you had been. Because unless we change our behaviors, we won’t change our dynamics.

Grief might be an unwanted guest, but it can also be the catalyst your relationship needs to finally change. Sex can feel different than it does now.

It won’t be comfortable, but it will absolutely be worth it.

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